| When was the last time someone dropped 'the | | | | to bed rather than join others in some excursion |
| bomb' on you? You know what I mean: the last | | | | or other. "Wait a minute!" you might say, "what's |
| time you heard someone say, "I love you but I'm | | | | going on? There's nothing wrong, and I'm feeling |
| not in love with you;" or "I'm sorry but we're | | | | rotten anyway! Am I going crazy?" |
| going to have to let you go;" or the ever-popular | | | | No, you're not going crazy. You're just imagining |
| "The doctor wants to see you in his office right | | | | things. You're not imagining your feelings. You |
| away"? Ouch! For many reasons, midlife winds up | | | | really do feel awful. You're imagining that that |
| being 'ground zero' for many of life's most | | | | you're really 'over it', just because you're not |
| upsetting moments. Back in the '50's, we were | | | | aware of the emotional fallout from what has |
| universally taught to "duck and cover" as a | | | | been, for all intents and purposes, a traumatic |
| strategy that was supposed to help us survive a | | | | event. Perhaps you've gained enough acceptance |
| nuclear bomb explosion. I'm not sure that we | | | | to have made the decision to get on with your |
| have any generally-accepted strategies for | | | | life. That's great! It just doesn't mean that all of |
| recovering from these kinds of midlife blasts, | | | | your emotions have caught up with your decision. |
| though. Emotionally, we're stuck with a kind of | | | | Every trauma involves flash-backs: if not |
| 'every person for him- or herself!' sort of | | | | flash-backs where you re-live the traumatic |
| approach. | | | | event, then flash-backs of the emotions that |
| By their very nature, our emotions are reactive. | | | | accompanied them. We forget that memory is |
| They're indicative that something (for better or | | | | not confined to our little gray cells. There's body |
| worse) is going on with us. We're liking or disliking, | | | | memory as well. All we need to do is to give our |
| fearing or fighting something in our environment. | | | | body half a chance, and it'll allow those buried |
| When we're hit with one of these life-bombs, our | | | | emotions to come cascading out. And, by |
| emotions first generally register shock and | | | | definition, it'll happen when we're least expecting it. |
| disbelief. We feel the emotional 'kick in the gut' | | | | Now what about that fallout shelter? There's only |
| that initially (at least) sends us reeling. Then, | | | | one simple (but not easy) approach that we can |
| quickly or slowly, we progress through the | | | | take that will shelter us from these emotional |
| famous Five Stages of Grief that Elizabeth | | | | flash-backs from midlife trauma: beware of |
| Kübler-Ross wrote about: denial, anger, | | | | free-floating emotions! By that I mean that we |
| bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance. It's | | | | can actually train ourselves to spot emotions that |
| critical that people develop effective personal | | | | come out of nowhere and that seem . . . well . . . |
| strategies for dealing with these midlife 'bombs' | | | | just wrong. Let the thought, "Why am I feeling |
| because, as likely as not, regardless of what our | | | | this way?" raise a red flag inside your head. Of |
| past experience has been, there are probably | | | | course, your first task would be to look around |
| more just like them yet to come. | | | | you to ascertain whether something is, indeed, |
| Today, I don't want to talk specifically about the | | | | wrong right here and now. Yet, once you've done |
| emotional 'shock and awe' that comes from | | | | that, and you still can't justify the way you feel, |
| experiencing one of these events. There's already | | | | look around and see if anything is reminding you |
| a lot a material out there on handling crises that | | | | of past trauma. What are your thoughts telling |
| arrive during midlife: why we're vulnerable to them | | | | you? How similar are these thoughts to the |
| and how to cope with them when they come. | | | | thoughts you were having when you were |
| Many people don't realize that, even after | | | | experiencing trauma? What unresolved questions |
| surviving one of these 'bombs' and getting | | | | from back then might these feeling be highlighting? |
| yourself all the way to acceptance, you still have | | | | Here's side note to everyone about free-floating |
| to face the fallout. It seems to me, from my | | | | emotions (by that I mean emotions that seem |
| own experience, that there are three kinds of | | | | dissociated from your current situation and |
| fallout from an emotional blast: there's the | | | | environment): immediate and past situations are |
| permanent fallout (where your whole approach to | | | | not the only sources for these kinds of emotions. |
| life is permanently altered, as in the case of a | | | | It is possible for sensitive people to 'pick up on' |
| devastating illness or injury), there's the | | | | the emotions of people around them - particularly |
| temporary fallout (where it may take months or | | | | people with whom they share a close intimate |
| years to recover, as in the case of a death or | | | | bond. Furthermore, it is possible to gain or grow |
| relationship breakup), and finally there's the | | | | that sensitivity. We all have that capacity, and we |
| episodic fallout (where bouts of emotional distress | | | | can choose to grow it. If you are psychically |
| will appear at seemingly random moments). I think | | | | sensitive, or believe that you're becoming more |
| people badly underestimate the effects of this | | | | so, then you have a further distraction that you |
| last type of fallout - and they pay a heavy price | | | | need to pay attention to. You may have to ask |
| for it. | | | | yourself if these free-floating emotions might be |
| Some months ago, I experienced a major | | | | coming from someone outside yourself. Look |
| disappointment that caused me to change my | | | | around; see what you can find. If possible, ask the |
| whole approach to the way I earn my living. It's | | | | people closest to you how they're doing. |
| bad enough when your boss lays you off; it's | | | | Turning back to you and to your fallout emotions: |
| almost worse when you're your own boss! | | | | I firmly believe that you can learn to manage |
| Sometimes, the hard facts of economic life come | | | | these feelings, once you've recognized them for |
| along and hit you right between the eyes with a | | | | what they are. Emotions only have the power to |
| compelling argument that's hard to ignore or avoid. | | | | disrupt your life so long as they're not serving |
| Changes then have to be made, regardless of | | | | their purpose (which is to alert you of what's |
| how it may feel at the time (in my case, that | | | | going on). As long as you're aware that you may |
| would be a lot of pain). Once the die is cast and | | | | not be finished with your denial, anger, bargaining |
| the changes that must be made have been | | | | and depression, even when you seem to be |
| made, time mercifully allows those of us in that | | | | feeling 'fine', when the fallout comes (as it will), |
| situation to work through grieving process. I would | | | | you'll be better able to identify its source and |
| hope that those who care about us will be there | | | | know how to handle it. After all, you've already |
| for us, supporting us as we work through the | | | | handled it once; this 'fallout' is just an encore |
| not-altogether rational deluge of feelings that | | | | performance letting you know that there's more |
| come marching along as we pass from one | | | | work to be done before you're finished with it. My |
| landmark to the next: denial, anger, bargaining, | | | | parents died fifteen years ago, and I still have |
| depression and, at last, acceptance. | | | | pangs of grief once in a while. Your best shelter, |
| Episodic fallout throws an emotional monkey | | | | then, is this: a) know how to identify free-floating |
| wrench into the whole process because, just | | | | emotions and b) when they come, take good |
| when we think that we have the whole thing | | | | care of yourself, just exactly the way you did |
| under control (if not licked), we experience a | | | | when the feelings came the first time. Not all |
| throw-back to one or more markers along the | | | | fallout shelters are holes in the ground, you know: |
| road that we imagine we've long-ago left behind. | | | | don't forget to turn to your Higher Power at |
| Suddenly, I'm angry for no reason (or | | | | those times. Remember the words of that old |
| disproportionately angry over something | | | | hymn: "O God, our help in ages past, our hope for |
| insignificant). Or, I find myself in the middle of the | | | | years to come, our shelter from the stormy |
| afternoon wanting to cry or deciding to go back | | | | blast, and our eternal home. |