| A wise man once said, "If you ignore
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| | are getting sleepy... Remember, if you
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| something long enough, eventually it will
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| | can change the life of just one person
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| go away." Actually, he said it several
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| | and they in turn pass the message along
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| times, but nobody listened so he left.
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| | to someone else, soon the world will be a
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| That old saw is one reason I've never
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| | sane place once again.
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| done a column on Beanie Babies. I thought
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| | A "retired" Beanie Baby, one that has
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| that if I could just resist the urge to
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| | been taken out of circulation, can go for
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| poke fun and ignore their existence long
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| | a thousand times its original cost. A
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| enough, they would eventually go the way
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| | complete collection of Beanie Babies (600
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| of Cabbage Patch Dolls and Tickle Me
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| | in all) is valued at $100,000. Here are
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| Elmos. Of course, ignoring them didn't
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| | the top ten most valuable.
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| work and I should have known better. I've
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| | As further proof of the need for an
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| been ignoring my kids for years and
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| | organization like Beanie Babies
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| they're still around, standing right
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| | Anonymous,read the following transcripts
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| outside the bathroom door, pounding on
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| | and media accounts of how Beanie Baby
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| it, asking me what I'm reading in there.
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| | Mania is affecting our world.
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| My oldest caught me looking at the
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| | From the Disassociated Press:
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| newspaper on the front porch the other
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| | OAK BROOK, IL (DP): Shares in McDonald's
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| day and asked if I shouldn't be doing
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| | Corp. rose to a 52-week high Wednesday in
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| that in private. I think it's time to
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| | response to the news that the fastfood
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| talk boarding school. Russian boarding
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| | giant will stop selling food effective
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| school. But first, comrade, back to the
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| | immediately and will instead become the
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| subject at hand.
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| | nations top retailer of Beanie Babies.
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| I think Beanie Babies are cute, cuddly
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| | McDonald's stock jumped over three
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| little creatures, and I will admit to
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| | dollars per share after the announcement.
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| having spent a few of my hard- earned
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| | A company spokesman said, "Nobody wants
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| dollars on Beanies for my baby girl to
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| | our food anymore, but everybody wants
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| play with (I can hear many of you
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| | Beanie Babies. The change just makes
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| screaming, "They're not meant to be
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| | sense."
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| played with!"). But never have I sat
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| | Tom Brokaw, NBC Nightly News:
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| outside a McDonald's at two in the
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| | "Addressing a large crowd in Lahore,
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| morning waiting for it to open so I could
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| | Pakistan on Saturday, Pakistani Prime
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| get an Egg McMuffin and a Teenie Beanie
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| | Minister Nawaz Sharif defended his
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| to go. And I apologize in advance if I
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| | country's decision to detonate six
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| insult anyone, but I think people who go
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| | nuclear devices last week and said that
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| to such great lengths to buy a child's
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| | Pakistan will continue nuclear testing
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| toy need help. And that's what this
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| | until India signs the "No Nuke" test
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| column is all about.
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| | treaty and the Ty Corporation gives every
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| You see, my sister, a normally sane,
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| | man, woman and child in Pakistan a Nana
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| rational human being, is awash in the
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| | the Monkey Beanie Baby. More now from
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| Beanie Baby craze. She has tiny synthetic
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| | Christiana Amonpour in Lahore..."
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| pellets racing through her veins and they
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| | Bernard Shaw, CNN Headline News:
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| are starting to affect every facet of her
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| | "This just in: Independent Counsel
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| life. She is the reason I am willing to
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| | Kenneth Starr has announced that he is
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| break my vow of ignorance and speak out
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| | issuing subpoenas to executives of the Ty
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| against these demons in plush clothing.
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| | Corporation, the company that markets
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| The thought of her sitting outside a
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| | Beanie Babies. Starr claims his
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| Hallmark store at three in the morning
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| | investigations have revealed that
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| staring blindly at a dog- eared copy of
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| | President Clinton gave Monica Lewinsky a
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| "The Beanie Baby Bible" just sends chills
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| | 'Grunt the Razorback Pig' Beanie Baby as
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| down my spine. The woman needs help, my
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| | a gift after a sexual encounter in the
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| friends, and I am willing to take on the
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| | White House."
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| task at hand.
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| | Mike Wallace, 60 Minutes:
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| So, to help my dear sister and the
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| | "The Ty Corporation, the company that
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| millions of others who have fallen under
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| | sells Beanie Babies, is so secretive that
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| the spell of Beanie Baby mania, I am
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| | not even the US government knows who is
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| officially founding Beanie Babies
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| | in charge. The company continually
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| Anonymous, an organization dedicated to
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| | refused our requests for interviews and,
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| helping you just say no to Beanie Babies.
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| | in an anonymously-signed statement, said
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| BBA will follow a simple 4-step program
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| | that, quote, '...if you do not
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| designed to help even the most severely-
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| | immediately cease with your investigation
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| addicted junkie kick his/her Beanie Baby
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| | into our operation we will have no choice
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| habit.
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| | but to send out a very large blue bear to
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| Here are the 4 steps of BBA. Follow them
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| | bite your head off.' Unquote."
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| to the letter and soon your life will be
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| | Dan Rather, CBS Evening News:
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| yours to live again:
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| | "Good evening. The bottom fell out of the
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| Step 1)
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| | Beanie Baby market today when it was
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| Admit you have a problem: The first step
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| | revealed that the man in charge of the Ty
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| in any recovery program is admitting that
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| | Corporation, the mysterious company
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| you have a problem. Here are the three
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| | behind the popular line of plush toys, is
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| warning signs of Beanie Baby Addiction.
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| | none other than Microsoft CEO Bill Gates
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| If you can relate to at least one of
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| | himself. Competing manufacturers of teddy
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| them, you are a Beanie Baby Junkie.
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| | bears and other plush toys have come out
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| (1) You would willingly camp out all
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| | accusing Gates of trying to monopolize
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| night outside a McDonald's in the highest
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| | the plush toy industry, prompting the
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| crime district in town just to be the
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| | Justice Department to order an immediate
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| first in line on Teenie Beanie day.
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| | investigation."
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| (2) You have no qualms about snatching
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| | Alright, I made those up. But the
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| Beanie Babies from the hands of little
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| | following accounts are real, as reported
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| children and if it makes them cry, well
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| | by the Associated Press:
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| tough patootie! And
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| | Forty guns were handed over to police in
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| (3) If you can't swing a dead cat (is
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| | Kanakakee, Ill., in exchange for Teenie
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| there a dead cat Beanie?) anywhere in
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| | Beanie Babies, miniature versions of
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| your house without hitting a display of
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| | Beanie Babies given out by McDonald's as
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| Beanie Babies, you have a problem. A big
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| | a Happy Meals premium. The
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| problem.
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| | no-questions-asked swap brought in 23
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| Step 2)
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| | pistols and 17 shotguns in one day.
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| Admit that your addiction is harmful to
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| | In an attempt to thwart the smuggling in
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| others: You've probably been too busy
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| | of Beanie Babies available only in
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| feeding that Beanie Baby monkey on your
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| | Canada, the U.S. Customs Service strictly
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| back to notice that the rest of your life
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| | enforces a one-Beanie rule. "A consumer
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| has gone to pot. Your addiction not only
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| | is allowed to have one Beanie Baby for
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| affects you, but those closest to you.
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| | personal use every 30 days,'' says
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| Have your children moved in with
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| | Customs officer Ralph Hackney. Any more
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| relatives because you forgot to fix
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| | are subject to seizure.
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| dinner eighteen nights in a row because
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| | Customs agents seized an incoming
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| you were busy dusting the tags in your
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| | shipment at O'Hare International Airport
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| Beanies' ears? Did you angrily take the
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| | last December. Their catch: 456
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| family dog to the pound and order them to
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| | imitations of Beanie Babies. Most were
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| "Gas the SOB!" just because he growled at
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| | fake versions of "Grunt," the toy red
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| your Princess Di Beanie Bear? Have you
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| | razorback pig that is considered a
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| been served with divorce papers that
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| | collector's items and sells for as much
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| contain the phrase "refuses to consummate
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| | as $130 each.
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| marriage because it would disturb Happy
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| | The Minnesota Better Business Bureau runs
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| the Hippo's nap?" If so, you owe everyone
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| | a Beanie Baby hotline to warn consumers
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| you know a big apology, especially your
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| | of suspected counterfeits.
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| dog, God rest his soul.
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| | Basketball's Philadelphia 76ers handed
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| Step 3)
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| | out 5,000 Beanies to children 12 and
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| Cast the snake from the garden: This is
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| | under during a game this year against the
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| perhaps the most difficult, yet most
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| | Golden State Warriors. It was only the
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| important mile marker on the road to
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| | second sellout game of the 76ers season.
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| recovery. This is where you rid your life
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| | The other was against the Michael Jordan
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| of the furry, little monsters that have
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| | and the Bulls.
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| almost driven you to the point of no
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| | A crowd of thousands lined up outside a
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| return. Follow my directions to the
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| | store in San Mateo, Calif., for the
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| letter and do it quickly, without
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| | chance to buy new and retired Beanie
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| thinking, because if you stop to think
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| | Babies at below-market prices. The store
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| about what you're doing, your addiction
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| | gave out tickets, then called out random
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| will take the upper hand and you will be
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| | numbers. Those selected got to go in and
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| lost again. With that in mind, here is
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| | buy the toys for $5.99 each.
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| the biggest step you must take: Box up
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| | Burglars broke into a suburban Chicago
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| every Beanie Baby you own, especially
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| | home in mid-April. They left the TV,
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| Peanut the Elephant and Brownie the Bear,
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| | stereo and most other valuables, but made
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| and send them to me, Tim Knox, Director
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| | off with a gold ring and a number of
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| of Beanie Babies Anonymous, in care of
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| | Beanie Babies, all valued at $4,000.
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| this website. Send me your kids' Beanie
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| | In Orange County, California, owners of a
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| Babies, too! I will take these vile
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| | collectibles shop were treated and
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| creatures and dispose of them for you
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| | released for head injuries in early April
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| free of charge so that they will never
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| | after being clubbed with an iron barbell
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| infect the lives of normal people again.
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| | by thieves who made off with $6,000 worth
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| Don't forget, box them up and send them
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| | of rare Beanie Babies.
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| to me as soon as possible. I guarantee
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| | The final divorce decree for Randy and
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| that both our lives will be enriched.
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| | Jan Staffan of Minneapolis stated that he
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| Step 4) Spread the gospel to others: This
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| | got the house, much of its furnishings,
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| is the final step in overcoming Beanie
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| | and a few vehicles. She got to keep her
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| Baby Addiction. You must go out into the
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| | salon business and half the couple's
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| world and tell everyone you meet the
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| | Beanie Babies.
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| story of your addiction. Give witness to
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| | Shocking, isn't it? Friends, let's stop
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| the masses. Show them the light. Have
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| | this madness before it's too late.
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| them send their Beanie Babies to me. You
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| | Send those Beanie Babies to me today!
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